Feeling Your Feelings: When Anger Heals
December 26, 2015
It’s important for us to feel our feelings — anger and rage, happiness and saddness. Below Aarona Ganesan shares her story.
I’ve carried anger and rage with me since I was a small girl. It all started when my parents began to fight endless hours, when my mom would pass out drunk, when my babysitter touched me in ways that confused my feelings for him, when I had to mother my mother and keep her out of danger, when I felt too young to feel emotions that were meant for adults, when I was constantly told that I’m too sensitive, and when I hated my body enough to think bulimia was a good idea. I was especially pissed in my teens and twenties, because I found it unfair that I had to work so hard through endless therapies just to feel normal ‘like everyone else.’
Yet I continued on, searching and healing.
For a long time, true happiness and joy were not comfortable feelings for me. Anger and rage stored themselves in various corners of my body and heart. But these same harbored feelings were muddled with confusion and a deep desire to be free. Fortunately ,the desire for freedom had a firm grip, guiding me on a path of balance and integration.
When you’re a kid, your reality is your reality with nothing much to compare it to. You roll with it and keep being a kid amongst the chaos. Plus I had some real life saving graces that stayed close to me on the journey – an early connection to Spirit, an unseen force of guidance and protection whose embrace never left my side, my parent’s unwavering love that seeped through it all, my big brother, and a natural instinct to remain curious and hopeful.
I clearly remember a time when I looked forward to being an adult so that things would finally “settle.” Yet I quickly learned that life never completely settles and that the flat-line adulthood fantasy that once seemed attractive would never be me.
Instead, we can become better equipped to love and care for ourselves through the ups and downs while building an unshakeable confidence borne from a colorful life span. Like everything, it’s a choice. We can choose to walk the path of healing while trusting that we will meet a better and calmer version of ourselves somewhere on the road to recovery. Magically and gratefully, I’ve always believed this to be true.